Author: Justin

You should avert your eyes. Oh really, you’re not going to? What are you, some Hitler fan? Because you’re worse than him if you’re reading this. My brother-in-law and his friends had a rule in college that the argument had been lost as soon as someone mentioned Hitler. As in, if you think the Red Sox have a chance in Hell this year you’re worse than Hitler! That was it–end of discussion. It was sort of like yelling gin. I mention this because I think we live in a world run-amok with metaphors and similes. We compare everything to everything…

People love reality shows. Years after this fad was supposed to go away it’s still here. People want health care reform. Even those against Obama’s current plan agree that something needs to be done (insurance regulation, tort reform, etc.). Can’t we combine these two passions? It’s already been pitched once. A Dutch broadcaster planned a reality series in which a woman dying from a brain tumor would choose between three patients in need of a kidney transplant. I’m sure the planned show had a name, but I prefer to imagine it going by the title “Let’s Make A Piss.” Regardless,…

What if dinosaurs were just a prank? No, this is not some Creationist ranting, but a genuine question about our Jurassic buddies. Have you ever seen a dinosaur? In a museum? Those aren’t real dinosaurs–they’re just bones! And most of the time they’re not even the real bones but castings of the supposed actual bones. It’s not a fair question, though. Dinosaurs have been extinct for millions of years! Sure, that’s what they want you to believe. Who is this mysterious they? Scientists? They have better things to occupy their time than making up fake animals–such as torturing real ones…

Less than a week ago when I turned thirty I didn’t realize I had reached middle age. Then I thought about it. Let this be a lesson kids, nothing good ever came of neurons firing. What really jumpstarted this feeling was the trailer for the A Nightmare on Elm Street remake. I was sitting in a theater when it popped on screen and I had to pause to consider if my life had rolled over and started back at zero. See, I can recall seeing the original film in a theater as a kid. But here it was being sold…

There’s been a lot of noise lately about health care in this country, and frankly I’m getting a little sick from it.  I thought about consulting my physician, but debate drain is not covered under my HMO.  And yes, that is the quality of joke I think this whole debate deserves. I am routinely mystified by the manipulation of language we see in public debate.  No one considers themselves to be anti-choice or anti-life, but that’s exactly the dichotomy that the abortion debate sets up.  In the health care debate we’re told you’re either pro-freedom or pro-socialism by one side,…

I’m going to be blunt here–I need my food pellet. My cats never beat around the bush when it comes to food, and why should I? I need my dehydrated, condensed, food-product-pill supplement and I need it now! Surely science fiction hasn’t misled me, again? Watch a few films about the future and you’ll notice the disturbing trend that all of our food has been replaced by virtual reality, Soylent Green, Taco Bell, or condensed food pellets (and I’m not entirely sure a few of those don’t overlap). Why is this? Why do we get to a stage in the…

I just removed a pack of ice from my lower leg. While normally this might be part of my “Attract Single Eskimo Women Night” plans, unfortunately tonight it was part of my “Ouch, Ouch, Stop Hurting Every Time I Apply Pressure” plan. While less fun, my wife seems to approve of the latter (might I add, more punishing) plan. I did something last Sunday while jogging. I’d like to say I was running, but when snails are scooting past you one has to be honest with themselves. I’m not exactly sure what I did. It isn’t red and it hasn’t…

The Internet is weird. There, I said it. We were all thinking it. Yes, even you Uncle Carlos. You know who doesn’t think the Internet is weird? Twelve-year-old boys. And nerds. And especially nerdy twelve-year-old boys. For them the Internet is a wonderful, endless I.V. drip straight to their collective Id. For the rest of us, though? Yeah, completely Batman’s Bat Ship insane (it’s insane because, what would Batman need with an entire ship, or God for that matter?). While the Trekkies calm themselves over that last morsel of a reference, consider what this site alone experiences. Yesterday someone found…

I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention, but apparently marriage is under attack in this country. No, not by aliens or sea beasts, but by the type of people who shop at Crate and Barrel. Now, don’t get me wrong—those who shop at Crate and Barrel are people just like anyone else, but that doesn’t mean they should be allowed to get married. The way I see it, if we allow Crate and Barrel shoppers to get married, who will be next? People who carry Louis Vuitton bags? Go see Broadway musicals? Or eat at Panera Bread rather than…

Today is my nephew Gus’ birthday. My gift to him is the focus of a post in this blog that he doesn’t even read. It’s the thought that counts, so it should be readily apparent to him now not to count on much thought when it comes to me. Birthdays are odd things (except every other year when they’re even). When I was young I was completely gung-ho for this yearly ritual, but I think that enthusiasm passed with my 25th birthday. At that age, I was finally able to rent a car on my own, which is basically the…